Shotgun Bulb Planting Recipe

My friend Shannon In the Country (as opposed to my other friend Shannon In the City) gave me an armful of tulip bulbs that she couldn't find space for in her yard.  She has been working steadily at getting her bulbs in before the frost, and I've been saying "no bulbs for me this year, too much else to do" for a while.  But I can rarely turn down a free offer, even if it's going to cost me work.  When she offered to give me her leftovers, I couldn't pass it up.

The problem was, where and when to plant them.  I decided to use the shotgun approach, and here's the recipe I devised:

Ingredients:

-about a 75 tulip bulbs
-crushed cardboard boxes
-shovel
-wheel barrow
-shotgun
-rocking chair
-dusty cowboy hat
-cigarettes

Lay out flattened cardboard boxes along a 1x12 foot planting bed. Using the shovel, scrape 6" of topsoil off the top of the  bed and place it on the cardboard. Toss the bulbs into the bed and spread them out. (Don't go nuts about whether they're right side up or not.  Remember, it's late afternoon and you don't have much light left. Think shotgun. Think nature--it has a way of working stuff out.)  Shovel the topsoil back over the top of the bulbs. (Aren't you glad you used the cardboard?)

Now, take the wheelbarrow and go out to the corner of the yard where you've been dumping leaves for the past several years.  Dig down through the leaf pile until you reach the composted mulch.  Fill the wheelbarrow part way with the mulch.  Then go to the place where you've been dumping fireplace ashes for the past few years.  Add a couple of shovelfuls of ashes to the wheelbarrow.  Maybe you have a little manure left over from your summer planting. Throw some of that in too.  Now mix it all up and then spread the mixture over the top of the planting bed. 

Position rocking chair within 15 yards of the planting bed.  Don hat. Load shotgun.  Light a cigarette. Squint your eyes.  Sit in rocker and wait for squirrels to come sniffing around. Fire when ready.

Okay, the final step of the recipe can be eliminated if desired, but be prepared for the rodents.  A couple of alternative squirrel deterrents I've encountered are: cover the bed with chicken wire, invite cats and dogs to play in your yard, or feed the squirrels liberally with something else like peanuts so they'll be too fat and lazy to dig up your bulbs.

handyman